Friday, February 12, 2010
Nathan-melech: Worship? What? Who?
Eliab: Well, we don’t get into all the details of who you worship and that kind of thing. The main thing is that you worship!
Nathan-melech: That’s cool, I guess. Worship. That’s just singing, right?
Eliab: Mostly, yeah. Lots of cool songs. We have trumpets and psalteries and timbrels, all the very best. You’d like it.
Nathan-melech: I don’t sing too well.
Eliab: That’s fine. You can just sit and listen.
Nathan-melech: So, you’re saying that worship is coming and listening to music?
Eliab: Well, you should think good thoughts at the same time.
Nathan-melech: No talk about sin and sacrifices and unclean and clean stuff?
Eliab: No, none of that. That’s the old way of doing things. We’re beyond that now. What’s important is the relationship.
Nathan-melech: What relationship?
Eliab: Between you and God.
Nathan-melech: I thought you didn’t have to worship God.
Eliab: Well, you do, kind of. But we emphasize the worship part, not the God part, except for the relationship.
Nathan-melech: I don’t know. I’m comfortable with Baal-peor. I don’t want to give up parties and feasts.
Eliab: That’s okay. We don’t ask about that stuff. We talk about donkey care and thatch-roof repair.
Nathan-melech: Really? Donkey-care and thatch-repair? That sounds interesting.
Eliab: We have all kinds of culturally-relevant stuff. Best mule-shodding practices, how to make your kids work harder, destination city shortcuts: lots of helpful, interesting topics.
Nathan-melech: Well, can I bring my images, too? You know. Ashtoreth, Baal.
Eliab: Well, we’d prefer that you turned your whole attention to worship when you’re here.
Nathan-melech: Well, that’s what I worship. Hey! I thought you were culturally relevant!
Eliab: Oh, we are! We are!
Nathan-melech: But I like my gods. I’ve worshiped Baal and Ashteroth for a long time now and I like all the buzz I get from the fertility parts, you know. Hey and I’m onto THE most up and coming practices
now. You’ve heard of Molech?
Eliab: Yeah, a little. What’s so cool about Molech-worship?
Nathan-melech: The sacrifices! It’s awesome! I thought you liked to be on the cutting edge. What’s really on the cutting edge is Molech-worship.
Eliab: I’m sure we can incorporate some of those practices in our worship services, too, sometime. We have our ears to the ground. Have you seen our tabernacle coffee lounge?
Nathan-melech: Not really, no. I’m not really into hot drinks. When will you put in an ale bar?
Eliab: Well, we’re working on that, but we have to get some bylaw changes and they are hard to maneuver with our older members frowning on all that, but we have a few aces up our sleeves. We’ll do
anything to get more people in to worship.
Nathan-melech: So, you just sing and play music.
Eliab: And have messages on important, useful topics.
Nathan-melech: Yeah. Well, I don’t know.
Eliab: The music is really good!
Nathan-melech: Uh huh. You need a little more enticement. What you need is to work in a little more sin.
Eliab: We’re working on it. We’re working on it. Won't be long now.
So, you want to be a mega-church pastor? You want the crowds lapping up your every word. You want to mentor and write and teach others how to be just as big and bad as you, flying here on a rented jet, staying there in luxury resorts, driving sleek and shiny cars and living in an executive mansion, while everyone looks at you as a spiritual icon. A whole world of stardom awaits. When you've finally reached the top, here's the esteem you'll find waiting for you. Enjoy!