Cheeze Whiz Church: 2009-11-15

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Cheeze Whiz Church

For months I'd been denying that my church was trying to become a megachurch. Then, when I began to understand that, yes, I guess it was into the "church growth movement," I figured that wasn't such a bad thing.

So I began to study the church growth movement. What a blast! It's like a whole circus rolled into town and began setting up in the church parking lot. Then, after few objections from anyone important, the circus just rolled right into the sanctuary, renamed the sanctuary a "ministry center" and started putting on performances for packed crowds.

When I came to articles on church "branding," I knew that it all sounded familiar. What do you call something that is consistent, is colorful, sounds exciting, pretends to be something it's not (how much cheeze is in Cheez Whiz?), tastes pretty bland, contains very little nutrition and sounds a lot like Jesus but isn't? Hmmm. Cheeze Whiz? Gotta be Cheeze Whiz. Thus the name of Cheeze Whiz Church. Yeah, I know Cheese is spelled with an "s" and that Cheez Whiz doesn't have an "e."

This blog chronicles the whacky, colorful, bizarro world of the Growth Movement. I'm calling it the Growth Movement instead of the Church Growth Movement because the more it grows the less church is in it. They actually want it that way. The word "church" is yucky, icky, bleaach, pooh, yick. The less like church they can get, the better.

This is not an angry, diatribe against the Growth Movement. I even actually like some parts of it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with creative innovation. Instead, it's a spectator view, popcorn in hand, supersized pop, Milk Duds at the ready. While my own church transitions into a Growth, and I discover more and more notable features of Growth bodies, I'll post findings here.

The Megachurch Dictionary

Align with the mission – stop questioning the agenda of the ministry team Apathy – attitude of small churches Authentic - working hard not to seem phony Be relational – being social in a godly kind of way Carrier of the vision - the main leader; the high one; the pastor Cast vision – spread our ideas while presenting them as God’s Catch the vision -- agree with the leadership Cause or effort greater than yourself – Sort of God, but not if you don’t believe yet. It’s God if you do, but if you don’t, it’s OK, too. Don’t sweat the details. CGM - code word for "church growth movement;" a philosophy espousing a market-model for expanding the reach of a church and enriching its leaders. Also known as PDC Church family – congregation, but friendlier Church growth – increasing the number of giving units Church people –(derogatory) attenders who object to cultural relevancy shifts, e.g. pot-smoking in the nursery; pole dancing in the fellowship hall- or who show other signs of uptight, old-fashioned church behavior. Often used with scare quotes to show disdain. Clarity of vision – agreement with the leaders on the direction or practices of the church Conversion rate – for all practical considerations, the rate at which unchurched become churched Coaching – turning a mediocre servant-leader into someone as brilliant and engaging as ourselves Commitment – spending more time on church events than with family; the quality of being on a higher spiritual plane than low-involvement “church people.” Closing their doors – what small churches do Cultivating fresh experiences – rejecting traditional methods; see Missional Do church -- attending or running church; a slightly satirical expression since the word "church" should be avoided except in sarcasm Equipping – giving underlings the skills God won’t create in them, so they can do mighty things for the Kingdom Energy – trait seen among ministry teams aligned with the mission and also seen in high-involvement lay people; missing from most churched people Exponential kingdom growth – the goal of the megachurch; becoming a giant inflatable Fellowship -- a churchy term that somehow sounds less churchy than church Giving units – church attenders who pay the bills so that the church can buy more A/V equipment Harvesting the unchurched – making services attractive to people who don’t like church, so they will eventually become giving units High-impact ministry -- a little more cutting edge than "making a difference," but not quite as culturally relevant as "missional" Heart-perceptions – much more reliable than mind perceptions (which can be skewed by too much reading of old literature, like scripture) High-yield church planting – producing lots of giving units from just a few Incarnational approach – being OK with the flesh; also, being intimidated by secular criticism about the inspiration and authority of scripture Influencers -- the high-powered, quality people in the congregation that leaders can use to put pressure on others when needed Innovators – creative, high-involvement attenders or leaders who aren’t afraid to break a few eggs while doing great things for God Intentional – purposeful, deliberate; as opposed to haphazard methods of church leadership, like following the leading of the Holy Spirit Internally-focused – the self-centered aims of traditional churches, not churches that spend thousands on high-tech equipment, theme-park Sunday schools and luxurious recreation facilities for members. Involvement (see Commitment) – slightly higher than faith on the spiritual gift inventory; possessors of this quality enjoy being in a position of glory in a megachurch Inspiration – a commodity that can be borrowed or purchased from sermon outline companies or online sermon sharing sites Kingdom engineers – ministry team members who know how to move people around to get the most out of everyone, for God Kingdom impact – making a difference in a holy kind of way, but not too holy Kingdom mindset – a rare perspective in churches that puts the creation of multiple giving units above everything else. Only servant-leaders with a kingdom mindset care enough to make a difference with the unchurched. Kingdom principles – a set of rules for helping God out aggressively Leadership skills – what talented pastoral teams develop to make it easier to move non-leaders around Leadership team – the ones who get the front seats; see Ministry team Low-involvement members – those who only come to morning services and never help in the nursery Ministry team – movers and shakers; the only “churched” people who count Mission – the leaders’ way Missional – the best kind, superior, on fire, evangelical, on a higher plane Missional churches – among the elite few churches that care about the lost, er, unchurched Navigate issues – keeping troublemakers quiet Out-of-the-box -- Once, this meant creative and unique approach; it's been overused now, though, so it's becoming an in-the-box term that innovative servant-leaders avoid Outward leader – good pastor Paradigm - model, example. Used frequently to show cultural and vocabular relevance Passion – what drives missional leaders but is lacking in others Pastoral talent team – Those God has called to make creative decisions and sit in the highest seats PDC model -- Purpose Driven Church model, a way of making your church elbow its way into relevance and growth Relevant - ten years behind the times, instead of 50 like non-missional churches Research – ranks higher than scripture in authority Statistics – rank even higher than research in authority Servant – Megachurch pastor title (see Servant-leader) Servant evangelism - anything you do for the church; sounds better than just evangelism Servant-leader – a church authority with all the glory of Christ’s humble label for church workers, while still enjoying the most prominent place in decision-making Small church – an inferior church, an unsuccessful church Strong culture - What missional leaders will establish in their church to coerce new attendees to become missional and invite friends Team – The pastor and his groupies The churched – (derogatory) backwater people who only like hymns and who cause trouble when churches move too fast into enlightened servanthood Training – teaching wannabes how to do what we big pastors do Transfers – church attenders who come from other churches; less desirable than the unchurched, but still welcomed as giving units Tribe – church family Vision – A plan for filling the largest building available with the most people, for God. Can substitute "delusion." Vision community – those special people in the congregation who think, walk, talk and act like the pastor or leaders, especially concerning church growth movement philosophy Vision statement – a multi-part expression, usually including mixed metaphors, that rephrases what the church intends to do to something that sounds godly Worship - Repetitive, loud, thematically bland music, performed before a standing crowd

Thursday, November 19, 2009