Seeker-hostile churches thrive on rejection, alienation

Welcome to the seeker-hostile church movement. Instead of greeters, we have bouncers at our doors. Instead of coffee bars, we serve Geritol. We don’t have visitors fill out welcome cards; we have our regulars fill out UN-welcome cards and then we send hate mail during the week, listing their sins.

At seeker-hostile churches, we seek to turn people away from helpful advice. We love it when people are miserable. Instead of dimming the lights and playing soft music as the pastor wraps up his sermon, we flood the worship center with strobe lights and blare loud music. We save the soft stuff for the beginning to create a morgue-like atmosphere when visitors first take their seats.

At seeker-hostile churches we replace both pews and padded seats with narrow, school cafeteria benches. On our overheads we flip through the songs at a clip so fast that no one can finish the first line before another power point page is up on the screen. We cycle through four times and then go backwards, all at a rapid pace.

Our youth groups force kids to eat pepperoni pizza every week, no exception, and the only activity is foosball. Every week. More pizza and foosball.

Announcements at seeker-hostile services last at least a half hour and we repeat the word “fellowship” at least a dozen times with each announcement.

We make sure that visitors are forced to shake hands with total strangers at least three times each service; then we pass out hand sanitizer.

When it’s time to go, our exit greeters shout out “good riddance” when each individual walks out the door, just to make sure visitors aren't tempted to return.