Cheeze Whiz Church

Enroll early!

2012-01-28T10:52:00.000-08:00

Church Leader Alive! is a unique conference experience designed to kick-start your passion and mobilize innovation and mission. It will also kick-start mission and mobilize and innovate passion.

It’s that time once again, time to get in your early registration for Church Leader Alive! in pristine Ellendale, North Dakota, the weekend of April 30 - 31 in the plush Ellendale Hilton.
What can you expect at this year's ALIVE! ?

The most engaging, topic-unpacking speakers ever!
A host of dynamic vendors, pastors and best-selling authors converge to reveal top, life-changing, skill-revitalization secrets to totally renew your leadership ministry
Break-out sessions, workshops and seminars every leader will find mind-blowing, equipping and revitalizing -- learn how to leverage missional workers so they might use words to penetrate culture and bring real change
Deluxe accommodations loaded with every amenity possible, from Perrier at the bedside to large-screen, Twitter-enabled hot tubs - all in spectacular prairie surroundings near the exclusive Ellendale golf course and country club

Church Leader Alive! 2012 challenges cutting-edge church ministry professionals to recharge and replenish their entire worship performance, through lots of words. Even MORE words than last year. More words than ever before! Heart-confronting words and truth-focused words; best-selling words and top-expert words; mentor-blasting words and truth-engagement words. You will leave packing the most soul-working, God-enthralling words EVER!

This year, movement-movers and missional milestone makers will discover new launching strategies for planting dynamic cultures and exploring compelling conversations on authentic leadership formation events.

Don’t miss it! We have a whole line-up of keynoters waiting to transform your worship journey. Discounts galore for early registrants! If you book four attendees, the prices will be even cheaper. But hurry! The best prairie-view rooms will go fast!

Once again, we’ll hear from all your big-name celebrity speakers and best-selling authors.

Renowned multi-campus pastor John Worshipmonger speaks on forceful and dynamic ways to reap rewards from the gospel. Learn how to book cruises and get others to pay your way.
Glen Blather, Best-selling author and Leadership-Mentoring expert, challenges pastors to increase giving by the Four-fold Flattery-Fortune Nexus. He builds on the idea of driving pledges and planting promises. No-fail tips on how to increase offerings more than ever before
Mark Salesemann, pastor of Laodocean Worship Center - a thriving, 25,000 member fellowship - shows how to turn a culture-confronting, multi-platform electronic presence into piles of cash, at the touch of a button
Blockbuster author Ben Doindat, lists 36 face-palm-simple pointers on churning out best selling books of lists - to boost your community presence. He’ll show you how to plug your books during worship services and also at other churches, for that extra royalty boost
Rich Klerrick, Senior Pastor at the multi-campus CrashCrunch Hollow Church in Ellendale, ND, shows you how to use the age-old lure of sexual power to reach 20 and 30-somethings and draw attendees from an entire region. Hold a gimmicky marriage sex marathon event and draw in the unchurched and churched alike
Josh Joaching, head of the international Watch-us-Grow Believer's Fellowship Association, demonstrates how you, too, can organize a pastor conference and watch as Jesus-followers press wads of bills into your hands every time you turn around

And NEW THIS YEAR!: Chris Godfurher, of the new BloggerBusters Security Corporation will present workshops on Christian security measures: Church Security: Why you need a strategy and how you can use Christian muscle-men to keep pesky bloggers from embarrassing you more than once.

This conference will help your creative team discover new avenues of inspiration and vision mastery. It empowers and recharges!

Register today for a 30 percent discount. For your conference pack, simply send a $666 deposit to Luxury Pastor Resorts c/o Judas Jeffries, 666 College Park Circle, Gehenna, SD 57666

Show devotion to your pastor this October

2011-10-20T17:23:00.000-07:00

How? Book a cruise. FBC Watchdog compiles several popular church cruises that allow you to rub shoulders with actual megachurch pastors, in person. While you are enjoying sun and sea breezes, you'll be helping pay the pastor's way, and contributing to valuable ministry in your fellowship. The next time your pastor purchases a sermon from a sermon sharing site on Paul's journeys, you'll know that you played a big part in helping him understand it. At the same time, you'll be able to enjoy the buffets, events and great tourist sites.

Are you a global church influencer?

2011-10-17T20:46:00.000-07:00

Let's see just how important you are in the church influencing world. According to one leadership mentor expert professional, you might be a global church influencer if you are part of this list. Check to see.

Are you:

a pastor of a church that's made it into two of the 18 top U.S. church lists?
a pastor with a "relatively well known platform globally"?
a "key leader of niche church movements"?
a prominent blogger?
a prominent author?
a prominent event speaker?
a broadcast media personality?

If you aren't any of these, then you are probably not among the 545 VIPs who are big influencers globally. (I wonder if Jesus is a global church influencer?)

You can look at a handy graphic to tell if you are one and to see what demographics are likely to produce big church influencers.

But if you are one of the big guys, or even if you're not, you can help lesser churches and non-white men and women who are not doing a whole lot of influencing. For just 31 bucks a month from 500 churches, this philanthropic, selfless group will "help global Church leaders equip each other with ministry ideas and free downloadable resources." Wow.

Soon, influencers will pop up all over the globe and won't be lumped in North American congregations like they are now.

Do you fear change?

2011-10-14T07:39:00.000-07:00

The biggest problem in churches today is not lack of finances, or declining membership or lack of passion for the Gospel. It's fear of change.
We know this because all the best-selling church leadership books tell us this. All the popular authors , church professionals and superpastors declare it to be so. What better authority do we have than experts, leaders and celebrities?
So we must stop fearing change and instead learn to embrace it.
Is your church stuck in Bible-worshipland? Why then, it's time to change: throw off old models of learning. Trade-in those Bibles for the latest best sellers. Hold a seminar, conference or confab. Is your church languishing in hymn-soaked services, with all four verses, and hasn't sung a new song in three years? Well then, do what most megachurches do and use those ragged hymnbooks to prop up the speaker stands. Take down the cross and shine the words on the wall. Watch your congregation grow.
It's time to change your "special music" to a worship band featuring beautiful people with white teeth and perfect hair. Only then will God be glorified and numbers will grow.
Is your church stuck doing communion all the time, same dull prayers, same old routine? You need a make-over. Explore sermon-sharing sites to see how the experts and professionals do it. Most importantly, get rid of the stale Folgers and serve good coffee in your foyer. Leave boredom central and get a brand new, shiny persona. Fast!
You must not fear change. Fear tradition. That's what's killing you.

No more Bibles!

2011-08-30T20:32:00.000-07:00

In the church of the future (2 years?) young people will fill the pews. Why? Because church won't be church. The Bibles will be gone, as we know them today, and instead, eBibles or phones will take their place.

For kids, it's liberation. They can bring their favorite devices along to church FINALLY! After all, it could be a Bible. Who will know if it's not? They will enjoy church because it will be the same as any other place, a place to be comfortable, to hang with friends and text across the sanctuary or across town. Imagine, the pews full of young people, playing Nintendos, watching replays of the football game on their small screen, finishing homework, sexting their boyfriends, ordering CDs.

Adults will be clicking through their Kindle Bibles or the iPhone Bible apps, and the kids will be looking at their phones, too. Or other device. Gaming, playing, communicating.

Every once in a while they might catch a word from the sermon, or at least the sermon illustration video clip and song lyrics. And that's a whole lot better than not going to church at all.

Everyone will be happy. The parents will be happy since they'll no longer be harping on the kids to go to church. The kids are happy because they can take their lives with them when they go. And the pastor's happy because the pews are full of youth and life. Sort of.

Canvass your neighborhoods!

2011-08-30T09:25:00.000-07:00

To keep from withering in the desert of traditional Christianity, relevant, growth-minded churches must learn what it is their neighborhoods want in a church. Many missional churches go out to the highways and byways, surveys in hand, to find out how they can best serve their communities, how they can supersize their offerings and maximize their spiritual profitability.

What church member type are you?

2011-06-21T08:50:00.000-07:00

There are five types of people in your church. Or was that four? Oh wait! Six!
No, there are actually 13 types. My mistake, there are three.

The main thing is to categorize. Categorize, categorize, categorize. Church experts believe that Jesus chose 12 apostles so he could divide them into 2s, 3s, 4s or 6s for various purposes during the course of his ministry. It's important that we do the same. As one leading church expert says:
Categorizing people is helpful to determine where to focus your time and energy and to wake you up to the reality that some people, despite their excitement and interest, simply are not on board. -- Resurgence

The sooner you categorize those in your fellowship, the sooner you can weed out the burrs and thistles.

How can you make church pay off?

2011-05-11T09:18:00.000-07:00

Now that many churches are fully automated, are pastors irrelevant? We can pipe celebrity pastor holograms into our services, or at the very least purchase someone else's sermon packages, so we don't have to even go to the trouble of opening the Bible anymore.

Church management software does all the heavy lifting, and pastoral "care" is pre-sorted, pre-printed, mail-merged and totally pre-formatted.

The sound and lights guys take care of the ambiance. They keep the masses coming, so evangelism is no longer so urgent.

Because of these church changes, a question emerges:

How can we still make money?

INSTRUCT, INSPIRE, INFLUENCE, INVOLVE, and IGNITE

2011-04-07T09:20:00.000-07:00

And especially ignite.
How to show your grow, give to live, bet to get, and all kinds of helpful tips that will show you how to use the gospel to your advantage.

From FBCJAX Watchdog

Leadership vacuum explodes once again

2011-03-31T19:43:00.000-07:00

When will the average congregation learn that the greatest need in the church is the need for leaders? Because of this great lack, the sheep will just keep circling the still waters and getting lost in the green pastures. Fortunately, experts are up to the task. High level experts and savvy, intuitive experts. They are ready to offer a "comprehensive approach to help churches facilitate the emergence of a leadership development 'culture' within their church."

The apostles were the first to facilitate emergences. They facilitated emergences and developed cultures like you wouldn't believe, and they didn't even have the help of a "leadership baton" training program like we do today. Imagine what the disciples could have accomplished if they had been gifted with the "vision," "process," and "implementation" for THEIR development pathways.

The leadership vacuum continues to explode. Sometimes, it explodes in immunological ways.
Occasionally, it explodes in functional ways. And in agricultural ways. Sometimes in excavationary ways. The explosion sometimes comes from striding over land mines, resulting in orthopedic leadership vacuums.

In whatever ways these exploding vacuums come, though, the resulting carnage signals bad news for the church.

Data collection gets short shrift

2011-03-24T21:11:00.000-07:00

While some leadership-mentor-experts think that pastoral leadership is more than just "data collection" and "technique," in reality, data collecting and technique are the heart of relevant Christianity. Why come down on data collecting? Isn't that what Jesus asked his disciples to do as he sent them out in pairs?

The essence of pastoral leadership is collecting information, information about the unchurched in a community, information about other churches trying to fill the needs of the unchurched, information about your members and their spending habits and offering-history; their service contribution and their hobbies; and relationships. The real meat of Christian living is collecting information. And Christian businesses are here to help. Church management software companies will help you "to discover the relational networks of your congregation and identify key influencers who can help you to implement change and lead for church [sic] the ministry [of? for?] potential growth." (From ConnectionPower)

Technique is important! Kiosks are essential. If a visitor sees a kiosk, on arriving at your church, he or she will be wowed and amazed. This must be a church that cares! This must be a church that will know me, my family, my preferences and my spending habits inside and out! Visitors will instantly feel they are a part of the family of God when their name is plugged into the database, and their children leave for Kid Awesometime Hour wearing numbered stickers.

When lights dim as your sermon comes to the climax, when the praise team plays those soft, poignant chords, when the coffee comes at just the right temperature in the foyer, that's when the spirit of God can move the most.

So, let's not diss technique and certainly not data collection.

Insights worth remembering

2011-03-06T15:05:00.000-08:00

What I learned at last year’s Church Leader Alive conference:

If church was what it should be, how would it change you, and how would it change the culture around you?

    * “We wouldn’t be rushing around, looking for pens all the time. We’d be prepared, like the Boy Scouts.”
    * "Vision is a great term to use whenever things get a little dicey. No one can argue with 'vision.' "
    * I would learn what it’s like to be the sound guy
    * I need to "inject a little humility into my leadership veins," and not swagger as much. It’s good for image.
    * Great Leaders don’t get up at 10 a.m. and start tweeting. Great Leaders ask their administrative assistants to tweet for them
    * “We have confused purpose with action, and action with getting in the leader’s way”
    * “Your calling is not to be road kill for someone else’s high speed vision"
    * You know your leadership style is finally effective when people avoid you in the hallways
    * "God is calling us to greater heights; that means breaking a few eggs from higher and higher platforms"
    * "Being a leader means you have to absorb a lot of flack. That’s why you have staff members watching your back"
    * Don’t just pretend you are a leader. Put on your leadership glasses and move like one
    * Let your staff make mistakes a time or two before jumping on them. This conditions them for big, Kingdom work, missional work.
    * In life, nothing is free. In church, freedom must be earned. Earn it.
    * “Be bold and adventurous, especially with the time and money of others. It gives you a quality of dynamism without all the work involved. Start by claiming your own parking space at the side door."
    *We need to stop dusting off the Bible in times of crisis instead of moving forward with our own profound words and thoughts.

A penny saved is not always a penny earned

2011-03-01T15:05:00.000-08:00

As stewards of church resources, leaders need to be savvy as to when to devote time, energy and money to an effort. Sometimes a decision is counter-intuitive. That means what seems like a good use of time or money often isn't.

For instance, reason might tell you that heading up a Bible study each Wednesday night is better than watching college basketball on TV. Still, there are times when you need to get away from the crowds like Jesus did. College basketball might be just the thing you need.

Also, you might think that instead of a new speaker system for the sanctuary, you should install a handicap ramp. Makes sense, right? But it may not be at all what is the best use of your resources. If you install quality speakers, you might attract or retain those valuable upwardly mobile couples in your community who can increase your offerings significantly, allowing multiple handicap ramps in the future.

You might think that working hard each week is the best use of your energy, pounding out original sermons and digging into the Word. But as this post shows, hard work is not always the way to go. It may be that purchasing online sermons instead and going out for a couple rounds of golf, a dinner at Olive Garden, an evening with friends playing Kinect in your living room, a trip to the Gelato cafe with your wife, a helicopter tour over your community to view the marketing potential of the area, a therapeutic massage at the spa, and a soak in your private hot tub is a better use of your time.

It's time not only to think outside the box, but to start thinking outside the entire crate.

Getting to the Essentials

2011-02-24T08:32:00.000-08:00

Churches spend too much time on theology and not nearly enough on the essence of what faith is all about: Image.

Instead of prayer meetings, groups should gather to discuss logos and slogans. Instead of Bible studies, we should emphasize what makes us what we are. After all, it's all about what it's all about!

Jesus spent more time on introspection than anything else. He constantly admonished his disciples to look within and find the logo that best described each of them. Outreach? Naw. It's time to be more inwardly-focused!

Mark Your Calendars, and Take Your Mark!

2011-02-10T07:24:00.000-08:00

THE PASTORS CONFERENCE TO END ALL PASTORS CONFERENCES

THIS WILL BE AN AWESOME TIME OF LISTENING TO SPEAKERS, SCRIBBLING NOTES YOU NEVER LOOK AT AGAIN, AND TEXTING YOUR DAUGHTER AT HER GYMNASTICS MEET

April 31 - May 6
This year in Wonderful Westport, South Dakota!

CHURCH LEADER ALIVE! 2011

Your Worship-Outlook Will Undergo a heart-minded transformation after this Fabulous Week!

The most engaging, topic-leveraging speakers ever!
A host of dynamic leaders, pastors and best-selling authors converge to reveal top, life-changing, skill-revitalization secrets to totally renew your leadership ministry
Scores of break-out sessions every leader will find relevant and engaging, accompanied by break-in sessions for equipping missional workers in using words to penetrate culture and bring real change
Deluxe accommodations loaded with every amenity that leading leaders could want - in lavish, prairie surroundings

Church Leader Alive! 2011 challenges relevant church ministry professionals to reboot and replenish their entire worship performance, through lots of words. More words than ever before: Heart-minded words and truth-challenging words; best-selling words and top-expert words; mentor-blasting words and truth-engagement words. You will leave packing the most heart-working, God-enthralling words EVER!

This information-rich conference will refresh and renew leaders with the very best resources available from leading churches of purpose and engagement. And ENGAGEMENT is what it's all about. Jesus emphasized engagement more than any other topic. It's time we did, too. Leave behind all your old, tired assumptions about how church is supposed to work, and be amazed!

Leaders will learn how to develop the heart-skills to revitalize congregations.

Servant-leaders will discover how to network with other missionally-minded fellowship professionals from all over the North-Central region.
Learn how to boost servant-hearted efficiency, discipleship effectiveness and fertile-minded growth of your church by filling in the blanks on a genuine, preprinted notebook with our Church Leader Alive! logo on it.

Don’t miss this rare opportunity to expand your congregation’s capacity for serving the needs of your faith community and surrounding unchurched population.

Discover how you can fill the exploding vacuum of church leadership holes in your workforce and effectively access a learning-driven, online community network of leaders to recharge your unique leadership voice. With purpose.

You will be given an entire supply of engagement-building tools and helps, just as Jesus provided for his leadership followers.

Enjoy the variety of dynamic presenters:

Renowned multi-campus pastor John Worshipmonger speaks on tactful ways to profit from the gospel
Glen Blather, Leadership-Mentoring expert, challenges leaders to increase giving by driving pledges and planting promises
Mark Salesemann, pastor of Laodocean Worship Center - a thriving, 18,000 member fellowship - shows how to turn a culture-penetrating electronic presence into piles of cash
Blockbuster author Ben Doindat, lists 15 face-palm simple pointers on writing best selling books of lists - to boost your community presence
Rich Klerrick, youth group coordinator for the explosive CrashCrunch Hollow Church in Ellendale, ND, gives timely pointers on planting and cultivating your youth investment
Josh Joaching, senior pastor of Watch-us-Grow Believer's Fellowship Association, demonstrates how you, too, can organize a pastor conference and profit wildly in just months.

During the week you will see how building strategic alliances and engagement networks can effect heart-change in your congregation, resulting in wholeness, success and overflowing offering plates.

You will be given tools to strengthen the culture of leadership among decision makers on your leadership team as you scribble furiously during the breakout sessions.
You will learn how to turn liabilities into flattery, shortages into healthy balances both spiritually and financially by hearing how expert superpastors have done it.
Your growth team will learn 18 ways to make tough decisions by tapping into spiritual reserves and charging up elements of faith - as well as efficiently and tactfully shutting up or kicking out (we call it disengagement) those who won't get with the vision.
Leaders will explore ways to journey into undiscovered, knowledge-rich territory while mapping their gifts and planting a championship crew of advisers, partners, co-leaders and mentors.

The 2011 Church Leader Alive! Conference will show you how to build awareness and how to reap spiritual returns. Gifted presenters and top leadership giants will reveal relevant, missional ministry strategies, from the inside out, while encouraging authentic, interactive, engaging approaches to the whole church growth process. Through hands-on partnering with regional and national experts in growth ministries, and big pledge campaigns, you will begin, very slowly, to become one of the select few top leaders yourself.

There will be refreshing times of training for church worship staff, to discover powerful, out-of-the-box methods of reviving an authentic spirit of worship in your services. Once again, empty boxes will be virtually scattered all over the foyer!

The conference features leading voices, as well as voice-activated leaders, who will educate and inspire churches to boldly impact their ministries through dynamic tools and the latest technological breakthroughs.Is your church on Kindle? Do you provide a regular podcast? Do you have the latest prayer app? We didn't think so. See how it's done. And much, much more!

This conference will provide more than just knowledge. It empowers and recharges! Register today for a 20 percent discount. For your conference pack, simply send a $600 deposit to Luxury Pastor Resorts c/o Judas Jeffries, 666 College Park Circle, Gehenna, SD 57666

Getting the look

2011-02-03T18:25:00.000-08:00

It's hard to be a relevant, missional servant-leader. Your efforts are rarely acknowledged and your creative attempts at lifting worship to a higher plane so often go unnoticed.
I was in my luxury suite at a hotel in Miami last week, and looking over my Twitter feed and realizing that no one, NO ONE, seemed to know I was not working away at my home church.

This is a common problem. Things that seem obvious to us just pass by other people. We start a new sermon series and no one says a thing. We move into a larger office and nothing is said. We arrange a large, multi-regional pastor's conference and it's all, Ho-hum.

If we change our clothes or appearance, we are lucky if anyone says a thing. We might as well be invisible.

But it's all okay, because God notices when we use a new, state-of-the-art headset. If he has the hairs on our heads numbered, he also has our headsets numbered. He notices when we've lost five pounds at our new home gym. He enjoys our new Ipad and likes our clever Facebook status message, even when no one else does. He takes notice when we've rubbed shoulders with our new friend, the hot Christian celebrity. Or when we've clinched the book deal. He knows. And that's really all that matters.

6 Ways to Drive Readers to Your Si -- -uh -- The Kingdom

2011-01-30T13:32:00.000-08:00

We are commanded to make fishers of men, to go into the world and make disciples. It's hard to do that if we are invisible to the world, so being visible is important. The best way to become visible is to have an active and thriving web site. And making lists is the best way to have an active site. So, by making lists we become fishers of men. It's THAT EASY!

1. You can list things that should be totally obvious to anyone who has reached the third grade. No matter how simple and face-palm obvious. It will still drive traffic to your site because people like to nod their heads in agreement with simplistic lists.
2. You can list bits of standard advice that make you sound knowledgable. Simply by using a slightly different approach or unusual metaphor, you can take the banal and dress it up as genius, and people will come to your site for tidbits of vast wisdom.
3. You can list entries filled with quotation-marked vocab words. This has a dual effect. First, it shows that you know how to use quotation marks, a skill "churched" people are not quite sophisticated enough to "handle." Second, it shows that you are nuanced enough to look with condescension on "inferior" concepts. It also allows you to list something without being totally "committed" to it. Does he really think the concepts are "inferior" or is he just joshing? No telling.
4. Whenever possible, leave God out of the list. It's just ever so much more efficient that way. You don't get all garbled up with the theological stuff and you can cut right to the heart of the matter: making lists!
4. Try to tie your lists to cultural icons. You can draw fish in for the kill simply by tapping into current memes or popular topics. If there is no real spiritual dimension or application, that's okay. The thing is to be in all relevant and cool venues because that's where the unchurched targets are.
5. If you want to have an edge, you can make your list audiovisual, but then your target, the fish, would have to be willing to wait around for the bait to load and play. Many fish are too busy feeding to swim in one place long enough to watch the whole thing. Still, it's an option.
6. Dress up your lists with quality graphics. It's not enough to just lay out a block of text. To keep the fish circling, you must make the site attractive so they will stay long enough to nibble on the message.

There you go. See how simple it is to invest in the Kingdom? The thing to remember is to have a controlling image you return to time and time again and to mix your metaphors as much as possible to keep the fish off guard. Pretty soon they will all be belly up, floating at the top of the aquarium, and that's right where you want them because the pickings are easier.

Vacuum-Model Churches

2011-01-27T18:07:00.000-08:00

It's the wave of the future, so install a new beater bar, and plug 'er in. What to do about your stubborn old church refusing to budge from the dark ages? Frustrated about your congregation that somehow thinks that the words of Charles Wesley or Fanny Crosby can even compare to Yes, Lord, Yes, Lord, Yes, Yes, Lord? (Oh, wait. That's an oldie now.) Or maybe your staid denomination just isn't getting with the program fast enough.

Well, now there is a solution to all these problems: The Vacuum Model of Church Development. Simply this.

1. If yours is an old, fuddy-duddy church and missional members want to make it relevant, you just build. You don't tell the aging members that after the new building is ready for move-in day that the words will be on the screen in front, the hymn books headed for the incinerator and they'll have to stand for 40 minutes of the service. heh No, you forge ahead with Contemporary 101 and let the geezers follow along or amble on out into the parking lot.
2. Here's where the vacuum part comes in. Old "stuck" churches, stuck in their ways, still want to grow. New megachurches want to grow. What to do? Vacuum! The megachurch swallows up the old church and both are happy.
To make it sound all right, you call it "revitalization." One church growth expert puts it this way: "Revitalization mergers also allow smaller struggling churches to have a new beginning by being adopted by a stronger vibrant church." See, the struggling church is the old people, hymn-besotted, "stuck" church and the stronger, vibrant one is the one with the sound system and lights and purchased sermon package. Everyone wants a new beginning!
3. Those stodgy, old denominations still love new growth. When offered a merger with a vibrant (multi-media drenched, multi-site, multi-plex) church they will jump at the chance because it means greater numbers. Then you don't have to worry about those pesky denominational headquarters calling the shots and nixing all your great plans for sexy services. As the same church growth expert says: "Denominations increasingly will take their lead from their growing churches rather than the other way around." No more having to bow to denominational bigwigs.
It's time to power on and vacuum up the old, the small, the obstinate.
Eureka!

Celebrity Box Office Hit!

2010-09-20T20:25:00.000-07:00

Cheeze Whiz Church is happy to announce the appearance of [insert Christian celebrity here] at our sanctuary on Tuesday night. We are hosting the [Your celebrity here] Simulcast at 6:30 pm!!! Check out this video of [your favorite celebrity] speaking in his/her very own voice all about it. It is going to be an incredible event and we can hardly wait to see what God will do!

Make sure your church gets involved with this if you are in the area! Be sure to speak to your [youth, men's, women’s ] ministry leader about registering for this simulcast, or find a church near you that is offering the same simulcast. Can you believe it? All over the country, all at the same time, words coming from the very lips of [Celebrity] will inspire and lift up millions of dreary lives. Believers all over the nation will be looking into the Word and [Celebrity]'s face together on this one glorious day, and that means the power of God will be here. Amen? And only for 25 bucks a pop! How cheap can we make God for you? The worship time alone is going to be amazing and worth at least 15 bucks of the cost. Be there! And bring your Bible, your wallet, and your friends!

Leverage social media to work for you

2010-08-15T20:16:00.000-07:00

It's a new day, a new time. If you want to exert influence, and influence is what it's all about, you need to get up to date with social media.
Churches shouldn't be the last to embrace new technology; they should be leading the charge. Pastors who step ahead and grab social media by the horns will see fruit in the field of influence and be able to manipulate customers more efficiently than those who sit back and cling to their Bibles and hymn books.
We need to intentionally go out and give intentional pithy maxims on Facebook, post some intentional cool church photos on an intentional My Space page, twitter what we are intentionally doing every fifteen minutes and start REAPING!
Get with it, people!
Only by mastering social media will you be able to rub shoulders with other super leaders. How can you know what other leaders are doing if you're not twitting them and reading their twit feeds? You need to be able to learn what works and what doesn't from other business-driven church leaders, especially the big ones. So, it's time to get out there and connect!

New way to boost numbers: Watch for it!

2010-08-14T21:29:00.000-07:00

The main thing is the main thing, we all know, and the main thing is growth. We want to grow, both in numbers and in spiritual façade, and that means bringing in the sheaves: the young, healthy, financially and organizationally stable members that will help us build from the ground up.
So, how do we ensure that upwardly mobile couples flow into our worship centers and decrepit oldsters file out? One popular way – and we are beginning to see it everywhere now – is to talk about SEX. We need to show that we are cool with SEXand not like those uptight, arthritic fundamentalists of days gone by.

No more keeping sex between a man and his wife, secretly celebrating the beauty of male and female in the confines of the marriage bed. NO! We will now smear SEX, in great, big, bold fonts on our web pages and church marquees, because we know it will hit home and draw crowds, especially the crowds of young couples with spending money who watch crude TV shows anyway.
We’ll throw in a bare minimum of scripture to make it a bit different from Oprah, and we’ll hold off on the lingerie shows at women's prayer group and Viagra spots in the church bulletins for a few months. We might not perform the Vagina Monologues for a year or so, but we’ll make it clear that we are not like your parents and that we are as open about SEX as the strippers down the street.
When the congregation is ready, we might introduce a pole dance or two with our interpretive dancers on a Wednesday evening to make it clear just how relevant we are.

Sermon on the Move

2010-08-07T20:06:00.000-07:00

We all know Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount. Heh. No, we don’t. Well, sort of we do, but don’t quiz us on it, okay? Because our God is a creative God, and he wants us to be like Him, we should be coming up with our own sermons on the mounts. And because this is a new age and a new day, our ideas need to be new, too. His ideas were radical for his time, and ours need to be, too.
What’s YOUR sermon on the mount? Here’s ours, gathered from the best and most relevant and missional church sites available today.

1. Be Willing to Risk Time, Energy, Manpower and Money to an Idea (especially manpower) as long as you risk other people in making good ideas come to life, no problem.

2. We must exercise our responsibility to tend our own souls. It’s important to tend our own souls because if we don’t, who will?

3. To show honor to leaders is to treat them as being special because in reality that’s what they are. God has placed them in a unique position over you. Jesus honored Caiaphas and Annas, and we should likewise honor our superiors.

4. As the modern church strives to be relevant to a modern generation, I think it is important to remain focused on God and His spirit as the Decider-in-Chief of our collective mission. This is a great point. We should let the Holy Spirit have some say every once in a while, between leadership conferences.

5. All church starts with a very small group of people - sometimes even just a person - with a vision - and then should go global as fast as possible. Don’t forget the vision part. The vision part is THE most important part.

6. You never know when a game-changing blip will appear on the radar screen of your life. No. The game could change at any moment and we gotta be ready. My radar screen is showing a cold front moving in from the west. What does yours show?

7. Too many people both in and out of the church seem to have a vision that is unmovable. Movable vision. That’s what it’s all about. Do you have a fixed stare? The disciples didn’t. Their vision was moving all the time. Get a move on with that vision!

Feeling pumped? Time to be creative. Climb a mountain, or skate park hill, and come up with your own. It's easy!

When things go wrong

2010-08-06T09:46:00.000-07:00

In the culturally relevant church, when a team member exits, it's not just a matter of leaving the 90 and 9 and working to reconcile the brother. If the stray lamb doesn't return, you can't just shake off the dust from your feet and move on. No. In the relevant church, things are a little more complicated than that.

The hyphen-driven leader

2010-07-28T07:18:00.000-07:00

Though some leaders are gifted with natural abilities to encourage a team and inspire those below them, for others, it takes mastering a challenging skill set. Among skills relevant church leaders need is the ability to craft hyphenated terms that jump-start compliance and enthusiasm. Some leaders are better at this than others.
To excel at this skill, an artist-leader should read Gerard Manley Hopkins poems whenever possible, until the hyphens begin flowing naturally.

Common words to end hyphenated terms with are -powered, -driven, -energized, -focused. But don't stop there. Gifted leaders will combine innovative words into unique terms. Faith-enriched, team-minded, leader-energized, player-centric, attribute-plastered, performance-focused. Once you get started, it's hard to stop, so you have to be careful.
If you can combine two terms from the megachurch dictionary, it's a bonus. Soon your awe-generated presentation will be admired by faith-mechanized servant-leaders all over the region. What's more, you will inspire others to reach the same hyphenated heights!

Interview with a leader’s leader

2010-07-21T20:51:00.000-07:00

Klerrick

Rich Klerrick is the pastor of the multi-campus, explosively-growing church in suburban Oakes. Klerrick brought his group from a small, traditional, non-denominational body to the successful, vibrant church it is now in just a few years using the five BBQ-HOT! principles outlined in his latest blockbuster: KNOW your GROW: Formula Faith and Today’s Hungry Church.

CHEEZEWHIZ: So, Rich, pastors who want to expand their vision and take the next step are looking to executive pastors with a success record like yours and asking, How do they do it? Rich, how DID you do it?

RICH KLERRICK: [Scriptural reference of some kind here, yada, yada, Great Commission, yada, yada, vision, purpose, yada, insight, yada] And, of course, purposeful missional organization. We started as a small, family operation, uh, fellowship, just kind of struggling, never gaining much ground, hovering around 150 or so for years. Then, one day, I was [prayer type of reference here, seeking, asking, yada, but not too Jesus-specific, yada, yada, keep the unchurched in mind. Questioning God, yada, yada]. I felt led to the best-selling book, Living the Creative Missional Life, with Intent and Enthusiasm. While browsing the shelves of our local Christian bookstore, it, well, it jumped out at me and changed my life, my outlook, and eventually the whole fellowship.

CHEEZEWHIZ: That’s powerful.

RICH KLERRICK: Yeah. After reading the book, I realized immediately that things had to change, that I had to change.

CHEEZEWHIZ: So, what did you do?

RICH KLERRICK: For one, I had to start speaking in numbered lists. For two, I had to stop relying on random, haphazard ways of getting things done, like prayer groups . For three, I needed to adopt a whole missional approach to things.

CHEEZEWHIZ: What does that mean, exactly?

RICH KLERRICK:That means putting the program ahead of individuals, not letting distractions get in the way. Sometimes, distractions seem like a good use of your time, but you must constantly remind yourself that the mission is the most important thing. Growing the church comes before any individual need, no matter how important some people try to make you think it is.

CHEEZEWHIZ: Like?

RICH KLERRICK: Well, like a sick mother, for instance. Soooo many times some member wanted me to come pray for their sick mother in the hospital. And my brother even wanted me to come down and pray for my mother when she had bypass surgery. What good is that going to do, I’d ask? If God wants to heal her, great! If not, nothing I could do would matter, and certainly hanging around a hospital room with crying relatives wasn’t going to do anything. My being there isn’t going to change anything at all. But my attending the 4th Annual North Central Power Ministry Leaders Conference actually was going to make a difference to my congregation.

CHEEZEWHIZ: I see.

RICH KLERRICK: So, I had to learn to stay on task.

CHEEZEWHIZ: So what are your secrets, Rich?

RICH KLERRICK: Well, after I read the book, I had to start putting into practice the utilitarian maxims I found in it. Then, things started changing fast. We canvassed the neighborhoods surrounding the church, handing out surveys and asking people what they would want to see in a church. We looked over the results and put together a team.

CHEEZEWHIZ: Was that hard?

RICH KLERRICK: Not after I read the book. I looked at it like this. It’s about the same as getting ready for a barbecue. First, I had to get rid of all the broken, dirty old tools.

CHEEZEWHIZ: How did you do that?

RICH KLERRICK: (chuckling) It’s easier than it sounds. You just have to realize that old, broken tools aren’t going to do the job and that, hard as it is to get rid of them, you’re going to have to do it if you want to keep to the mission, and the mission is what’s important. So, we’d ask people who’d been there too long to step down. If they didn’t, we’d find ways to make them uncomfortable enough to leave.

CHEEZEWHIZ: Like?

RICH KLERRICK: Read my next book and you’ll find out.

CHEEZEWHIZ: I can’t wait.

RICH KLERRICK:: So you get rid of the old tools and you choose new ones. You need new coals, good lighter fluid, a decent fire-starter, and new implements. You weed out the old and put in place the new. You want tools that will help you get the mission done. That’s it. It’s kind of fun taking out the old ones and finding people who agree with everything you say and do. and who are always there for you.

CHEEZEWHIZ: Got it. So what did the team do?

RICH KLERRICK: We looked at what the survey results said and discovered that what people really wanted in a church was not a bunch of boring sermons and scripture and songs from the dark ages. No, what people wanted was a lot of bright colored lights, repetitive songs with super simple lyrics -- light on theology and heavy on mixed metaphors. They wanted coffee available, pastors in Hawaiian shirts, a quality performance and as little demand on their lives as possible. They wanted to check in, check out and get on with their lives, and we were there to help them do just that.

CHEEZEWHIZ: Amazing. You say things happened fast. How fast?

RICH KLERRICK: Really fast. We did the survey in May and by the following September we had check-in kiosks in the lobby. We call it a lobby, not a foyer.

CHEEZEWHIZ: Why is that?

RICH KLERRICK: The unchurched don’t know what a foyer is. That’s a churchy word and we try hard to get rid of churchy words and anything else that might make the unchurched uncomfortable. The unchurched is our mission field, not cushy, “church people” who can list off the Ten Commandments, the Beatitudes and the Four Spiritual Laws. No. Gotta keep to the mission.

CHEEZEWHIZ: So what is the main difference between how you did things then and how you do things now?

RICH KLERRICK: We used to be inward focused. The main thing then was piddly, little pathetic acts like taking baskets to new families and sick people, praying for each other in these sad little prayer groups on Wednesdays, and holding potlucks and picnics. Now, we have a huge budget for audiovisual equipment, have the latest and best programs, purchase video clips to show during the sermon and we host leadership conferences. Now THAT’s outward thinking.

CHEEZEWHIZ: How much do you rake in from the leadership conference?

RICH KLERRICK: Thousands! I mean, well, we have these huge overhead costs, of course, so we do it as a service. There is enough left over, though, that we can use as seed money for bigger and even more profitable conferences down the road.

CHEEZEWHIZ: Sweet deal

.RICH KLERRICK: It really is, but that’s off the record. [Scripture reference here, yada, yada, something about the importance of good leadership and a servant’s heart, followed by pithy maxim].

CHEEZEWHIZ:: For those pastors ready to take the next step, what do you recommend?

RICH KLERRICK: Well, my book, for starters. It’s now in its sixth printing.Then, start rethinking a lot of your assumptions.

CHEEZEWHIZ: Like?

RICH KLERRICK: Don’t assume that just because Jesus would do something, it’s automatically the right thing to do. You gotta break a few eggs to get things done, you know? You can’t be all, Well, we’ve always done it this way, so it’s right. You have to question why you do things. Then, take risks. Moving from boring old hymns and choruses to fast-paced songs with two chords and emotional words, might seem like a risk, but it’s what people want. Do it! Do it now! You won’t regret it.

CHEEZEWHIZ: Any other thoughts?

RICH KLERRICK: It’s not easy being a servant-leader, choosing your team, working 24/7 on the mission, attending national conferences and promoting books. But it’s well worth it.

CHEEZEWHIZ: Thanks, Rich. We appreciate your openness. This is really exciting stuff.

RICH KLERRICK: God is awesome!

The results are in

2010-07-18T16:27:00.001-07:00

If church marketing groups had targeted Jesus and his disciples, this might be one result:

Jesus, your associate Jude Iscariot asked us to implement a survey to see how your group was perceived, both internally and in the larger community. We put together some focus groups, did some informal surveys and crunched the numbers. Your results are in.

Among disciples, your group shows high marks. Most disciples believed your group was on the right track. Most were excited about your mission, although a fair number weren’t sure just what the mission was. A majority liked how you related to the unchurched and minorities. A few thought you needed to emphasize scripture more and a few thought you needed to provide better child care services.

External surveys showed a wide divergence of opinion on your group. Most thought you were dangerous (half because of stirring up disfavor of Roman authorities; and half because they thought your religious ideas bordered on blasphemy). Most had a favorable view of your miracles, but the parables and teachings received low marks.

Our recommendation is that you seek to implement a strategy to modify your group culture, in order to help you attain the reputation you are seeking to build. You need to do more to impact your community in a positive way, to get some public relations help and to use available media to your advantage.

If it's creative, edgy and original, it must be of God

2010-07-11T19:22:00.000-07:00

Of course, to be creative, edgy and original, you have to avoid using phrases like "of God." We'll just say, "cool" and that pretty much means the same thing, right? God is cool, so if our stuff is unique and imaginative, it's cool and kind of like God's stuff. We can rap, we can use the right fonts, we can paste together relevant-looking video montages and edit them with the coolest techno-gadgets, so of course we're Kingdom-minded and approved. We'll ride the borders, turning off the traditionalists - who will sit there, clucking in their pews at our tattoos or headgear - and we'll know we're in the center of His wil-- Well, the center of What's Happening Now.

You don't have to wait for inspiration: You can buy it!

2010-07-02T15:32:00.000-07:00

If preparing sermons is becoming drudgery, and you'd much rather be meeting with movers and shakers, honing your golf game or hosting a creative conference on leadership, don't worry. No longer must you take time to dig into scripture or try to discover what God is saying to you or your congregation. It's all done for you at very reasonable prices.
Online sermon sharing sites, as well as sermon purchasing sites, are at the ready.

My Sermon Vaul t helps when your "well runs dry" and provides 10,000 sermons that will "blow you away" Don't forget to check out the Pastor's MegaPack
Sermon Centra l offers a free newsletter and pastors devotional as well as messages to buy.
Sermons on the Cheap? ifindsermons says, Why pay five bucks for sermons when you can get them for a buck seventy five? Why indeed?
At the Redeemer Sermon Store, the first four in the list are about money, so you know this resource is going to be a winner! The site should probably be called the Sermon Redeemer store, but this works, too.
Want to preach Saddleback Sermons and be just like Rick Warren? For about four bucks each, you can get transcripts, and even study guides are available for some of the messages. Hey, if it worked for Rick, it can work for YOU
Sermon Series: Here you can purchase inspiration by the sermon OR the series. You can be inspired and empowered for only two fifty. You can use the content "in full or in part." If you use it in full, think of the time you save!

You're not ordinary, you're a Creative

2010-06-30T19:30:00.000-07:00

You are artistic. You don't think; you create. God has gifted you with extraordinary powers of imagination, and that's why your gifts are in such demand. You have a knack for design, or music, or social networking, or blogging, or expressive thinking. You are one of the inner circle the leaders depend on. You possess a hotline to the Holy Spirit's most important endeavors.
Because of this, your church values your input. It sends you to creative conferences and pays your way. You are among the church elite. You gather with other creatives at brainstorming events. You move the church to embrace new technologies and avenues of ministry, outside the box. In short, you are not like other Christians. You are a step above and you should make this plain to all who don't share your gift.
You should post artsy and relevent comments on Twitter several times a day to let followers know that you are the one to follow. You should quote the right people and develop a persona that screams: Baluga! Or something equally mystifying and esoteric. After all, you're not just an average Joe.

How to make room for humility

2010-06-25T18:13:00.000-07:00

Because the most important trait in Christianity is LEADERSHIP, top experts on leadership issues worry about balancing heady issues on managing people with the Christian call to meekness and humility. This can be a fearsome task because of the immense leadership vacuum in the church and the strong call to many otherwise ordinary folks called to do monumental tasks of a superior caliber. Fortunately, leadership leaders are up to the task and have come up with more handy lists (also here and here and here) to make even humility easy. List-making is the key. It always is. Effective leaders know it and practice it.

The big thing is to be big

2010-06-18T22:08:00.000-07:00

Jesus was big. We all know that. Everywhere he went, crowds followed, right? Well, he's called us to be like him, and that means we should be seeking ways to attract crowds. How can you attract crowds if you don't keep up a blog, write hot-selling books or hold sway over a mega-church? The missing ingredient is influence! We need to develop circles of influence! according to leadership expert Brad Lomenick.
How do you know that you are making an impact and having a little influence? When you are "invited to gatherings" or have a widely read blog, that's how. Or you could be a mayor, but that's harder.

The main thing is to work at those circles. You need to direct all your energies into influencing people because that's the focus today of real, missional Christians. Time to add more friends on Facebook and write that blockbuster on how to use the church as a building block to success.

Thanks for Boosting our Numbers

2010-06-03T19:59:00.000-07:00

Thanks to all those who got the word out about our new bestseller, Living the Creative Missional Life, with Intent and Enthusiasm and a sense of Purposeful Imagination. We have seen tremendous sales and believe that this book will result in many, many churches taking themselves to the next level, and then the next and the next. We grew from a little pastoral counseling group, to a huge, multi-million dollar concern in just a few years, and you can too - using the 7 Godly principles of Marketing and Exploitation that LCMLIEPI explores. We'll show you how to play off your expert status and attract pastor-clients from all over your area. LCMLIEPI is now in its sixth printing and - there is no end in sight. A big THANK YOU for those of you who have made our success possible.

The big guys can help

2010-06-02T17:48:00.000-07:00

Is your church struggling? Have you tried to make it grow without success? Have you wondered WHEN God would finally help your congregation become a towering megachurch like you know it is destined to be? You can relax and stop worrying now, because the big guys are here to help.

If you think the problem might be with you, you can order a pastor personality profile to see if your personality, communication skills and leadership style are helping or hurting your congregation. This is what you get:

1. A report on your general personality characteristics
2. Do's and don't on communicating
3. Graphs of your leadership style
4. Trends on how well you fit in your environment

This all comes from "renown (sic) authors" so it must be worth the $27 per profile, $95 if you want coaching with it.

If you don't think the problem is you, never fear. The problem might be with your volunteers, or lack of them. Famous big, superpastor Ed Young, who is so successful he leases a jet, even for short trips, offers a CD kit on pivotal principles for developing a strong volunteer force. Your church can learn Ed's secrets for a mere $299.00

It may just be that your congregants need training in how to be more sacrificial. A capital campaign might be all you need. Successful box store church pastors who've done it themselves will kindly show you how to raise money in a capital campaign. For a fee.
For slightly less than $700.00 you can purchase this product from a multi-campus pastor in New York. It promises to help you Learn how to challenge every person to make a significant and sacrificial contribution and to exceed your goal and maximize contributions. The testimonial at the end goes on and on, so it must be effective. And it's only $695.95

With so much help from fellow Christian brothers, it won't be long before your church is bursting at the seams. Then, you can charge the little guys for your help by packaging seminars and kits, packages and conference products. And you can write a best selling book about it, too.

Keeping track of the givers and the disenchanted

2010-05-27T17:40:00.000-07:00

You want your church to grow, right? So you need a way to butter up the ones who give and who help in the nursery, while marginalizing the stubborn traditionalists who won't get with the vision. How can you keep track of who is who in your church without taking the trouble to get to know people? You want to be able to track and categorize your members, get familiar with their habits, know who they bank with, know their hobbies, their weaknesses (which might come in handy if they make trouble down the road), their social security numbers and their TV viewing habits.
Luckily, you are not left alone to do these monumental tasks, you have help when using programs such as this one, with.its "robust contribution model" and its attendance tracking features. Or this one With its donor management and pledge tracking, or Servant Keeper (think Mason Jar) whose motto is Organizing God's people." Or maybe "ChurchTrac" that lets you "keep track of your members and prospects." Or any of dozens of other easy-to-use programs.

Church environment and Jesus

2010-05-25T21:24:00.000-07:00

When you look at the New Testament, you see that Jesus was interested in leadership philosophies, rebranding and quality audiovisual environments. He told his disciples to go out and lead, he rebranded his disciples with new names, and he'd often go onto mountaintops to create just the right environment for his message: a clear concern with both auditory and visual elements of His presentation.

So when you come across sites like this one, you know that despite the materialistic emphasis, there is core Bibllical truth here.
Can't you just imagine Jesus telling his listeners to "Be holistic, stay current and respect the context"? Just like the beatitudes. If Jesus walked among us today, he'd be the sound guy. Or, maybe not.

Criticize churches and make $$$

2010-05-21T12:10:00.000-07:00

What a SWEET DEAL! Only $750 for small churches. Hire yourself out as a church "secret shopper." I know some guys who would gladly give you some Hawaiian Punch, too. And charge only twenty bucks or so.

2010-05-19T16:37:00.001-07:00

Fill-in-the-blank Christianity

2010-05-16T15:07:00.000-07:00

The sure sign of a devoted Christ follower is a sheet of paper in one hand and a pencil in the other. Committed Christ-followers realize that there is much more to learn in their fellowship walk than they know at the moment. The ones to learn it from are leaders. If you think you can read scripture, pray and follow Christ, without filling in blanks, you are sadly mistaken.
What many novice believers miss is that the blanks matter. The lists matter. The notes matter. The seven ways to, and the three signs of, and the five steps to -- as well as the four ways to, the six rules of, and the three mistakes of.

Baptism doesn't matter much. How you take communion doesn't make a whole lot of difference. Last times doctrines, spiritual gifts and worship style -- all debatable. Church government, ehhhh!
But what matters more than anything else is that you fill in the blanks when you listen, that you look up to your leader with eyes filled with devotion and that you take copious notes. These are the three marks of a sold-out Christ follower.

It's all about what it's all about!

2010-05-07T09:44:00.000-07:00

And it's all about this:

"Sunday's Coming" Movie Trailer from North Point Media on Vimeo.
Found on the Be Deviant church site: http://www.bedeviant.com/are-your-worship-services-contemporvant

This video really hits home. This IS the heart of contemporvant worship!

Well, it did until its makers removed it, but somehow, it's back again.
Here is a post about the initial removal, which is almost as good because of the comments about "planning worship."

A commenter on a CT blog provided the new link, so it's back!

The awesome power of trite phrases

2010-05-05T08:48:00.000-07:00

Servant-leaders aren't powerless when it comes to finding themes for messages, not in this day of the practical and culturally cool! The trite phrase is the most cutting-edge tool in a relevant pastor's toolbox today, and it can be a time of deep discovery to invent and hone these phrases.
First, a pastor must come up with something that will make a listener nod and smile. Movement phrases are often effective here. "Let's move forward," though overused, still captures attention. No one wants to be accused of moving backwards or staying still.
For variety, you can add a little oomph by changing that one to "Let's push forward."

Climbing mountaintops, leaving the dock, launching a new something, venturing toward the unknown, taking a leap of faith, diving into something: all these work well as movement-based trite phrases.And don't forget "driven." Anything can drive, just about. Just watch out if you're in the bike lane.

Here are some current trite phrases you can adapt to your own needs: _______________(passion, purpose, leadership, organization, outlook) is essential, ________________ (creativity, leadership, missional outreach, exponential giving) fires me up, embrace the ________________(something generally thought to be negative: trouble, tension, stress, conflict, hardship), maximize your ____________(something good), are you afraid to ______________(take risks, lead, move forward, be creative, make a plan?

The power of stating the obvious should never be overlooked. Put one foot in front of the other; Together, we can ___________; Never shift in reverse without looking behind you; Breathe deeply and carry a big stick; When pulling weeds, don't pluck up the geraniums; Hot beverages can burn you; Don't fall asleep on the journey; You can only wear one pair of shoes at a time... Any blatantly obvious statement can become a powerful trite phrase.

The advantage of shallow tidbits of advice is that you don't have to spend long hours musing over scripture. You don't even have to spend five minutes reviewing the scripture you once knew. You don't need scripture at all! People will nod knowingly and grin broadly as you throw out little platitudes, and they'll leave the worship center convinced you've brought them closer to God, all with very little prep time! Best of all, they'll come back for more next week. So give it a try. Make up a trite phrase of your own, or borrow some of these.

Always put air in your tires before a long journey, stop worrying about past mistakes; if you wait until the pool is warm enough, you'll never get in; lather, rinse, repeat; don't dive headfirst into a river without knowing what's under the water; if you throw rocks at a bear, you better be prepared to run...

Take a risk, journey forward, take a journey-driven step and make up your own.

The Greatest Commandment

2010-04-25T20:24:00.000-07:00

Forget love, forgiveness, charity, faith, discipleship, holiness, service, worship, prayer. The most important aspect of the Christian life today is -- Leadership. We can't be true Christ-followers until we can lead, and until we can lead with vision and purpose.
Leadership!
Next Level Leadership!
Leadership Gathering!
Leadership Summit!
Leveraging Leadership Conference!
Thrive Leadership!
REthink Leadership!
Echo Leadership (Only $269)
Catalyst Leadership
Adventurous Leadership
Chick-fil-A Leadership
Exponential Leadership

Abandon dull readings of "passages," forsake outdated ideas such as communion, or fellowship, turn your back on such quaint concepts as sacrifice, struggle, seeking God's face or humility. Esteemed church experts now see that the most striking lack in the church is an absence of LEADERSHIP.

Because of the great number of leadership events now available, however, the problem is well in hand and we can breathe a sigh of relief that the church is no longer in peril.

Don't miss this one!

2010-04-10T19:29:00.000-07:00

The leadership conference to end all leadership conferences!

Church Leader Alive!

2010
April 31 - May 6
in Spectacular South Dakota!

You will never lead the same after this week!

A host of powerful, dynamic speakers present on topics guaranteed to bring effectiveness and life to your leadership ministry
Scores of break-out sessions every leader will find relevant and engaging
Deluxe accommodations packed with every amenity that leading leaders could want - in luxurious, prairie surroundings

Church Leader Alive! 2010 shows you how you can be empowered for dynamic and active outreach through lots of words. More words than ever before. Best-selling words and top-expert words.

This information-rich conference will empower leaders with the very best resources available from leading churches and speakers. And LEADING is what it's all about. Jesus emphasized leadership more than any other topic, in the Greek, and in the Latin, too.

Leaders will learn how to recharge their congregations - even their youth groups - by challenging them to renew heart, mind, body and spirit through sitting and listening to words.

Learn how to boost efficiency, effectiveness and growth of your church by filling in the blanks on a genuine, preprinted notebook with our logo on it. Don’t miss this rare opportunity to expand your congregation’s capacity for serving the needs of your faith community and surrounding unchurched population.

Discover how you can effectively access a learning-driven, online community of leaders to develop your unique leadership voice. With purpose.

You will be given an entire supply of relationship-building tools and helps, all for a very low price, just as Jesus provided for his leadership followers.

Enjoy the variety of dynamic presenters: Renowned multi-campus pastor John Worshipmonger speaks on profiting from the gospel; Glen Blather, Leadership-Mentoring expert, challenges leaders to increase giving by offering more goodies; Mark Salesemann, pastor of Laodocean Worship Center - a thriving, 15,000 member fellowship - shows how to turn an electronic presence into piles of cash; Blockbuster author Ben Doindat, gives pointers on writing best selling church leadership books; Rich Klerrick, youth group coordinator for the explosive CrashCrunch Hollow Church in Ellendale, ND, gives timely pointers on growing your youth investment; and Josh Joaching, senior pastor of Watch-us-Grow Believer's Fellowship Association, demonstrates how you, too, can organize a pastor conference and profit wildly in just months.

During the week you will see how building strategic alliances can effect change in your congregation, resulting in wholeness, success and overflowing offering plates.

You will be given tools to strengthen the culture of leadership among decision makers on your leadership team as you scribble furiously during the breakout sessions.
You will learn how to turn complaints into flattery, shortages into healthy balances both spiritually and financially by hearing how expert superpastors have done it.
Your growth team will learn 14 ways to make tough decisions by tapping into spiritual reserves and charging up elements of faith - as well as shutting up or kicking out (we call it weed control) those who won't get with the vision.
Leaders will explore ways to journey into undiscovered, knowledge-rich territory while mapping their gifts and building a championship crew of advisers, partners, co-leaders and mentors.

The 2010 Church Leader Alive! Conference will show you how to build awareness and how to reap spiritual returns. Be so aware that nothing, nothing at all, gets past your gaze.Together with top leadership giants, we will examine relevant, missional ministry strategies, from the inside out, while encouraging authentic, interactive, engaging approaches to the whole church growth process. Through hands-on partnering with experts in growth ministries, and big pledge campaigns, you will begin, very slowly, to become one of the select few top leaders yourself.

There will be refreshing times of training for church worship staff, young and old alike, to discover out-of-the-box methods of reviving an authentic spirit of worship in your services. Empty boxes will virtually litter the foyer!

Every half hour, break-out sessions are available to help leaders learn to recruit and equip ministries -everything from youth outreach to worship team service - focusing on the needs of a new generation needed to fill a growing leadership vacuum, and other challenges today's ministry leaders face.

The conference features leading voices, as well as voice-activated leaders, who will educate and inspire churches to boldly impact their ministries through dynamic tools - and will make learning experiences much more valuable after the conference is over if they can get out of the crowded parking lot.

This conference will provide more than just knowledge. It empowers and recharges! For your conference pack, simply send a $500 deposit to Luxury Pastor Resorts c/o Judas Jeffries, 666 College Park Circle, Gehenna, SD 57666

That pesky cross

2010-04-05T14:13:00.000-07:00

Why do Christians focus on the cross all the time? Can't we just fast forward to the resurrection and skip all that bloody, icky stuff? That's pretty much what this post says on the Jesus Hates Papyrus site. (The original post was titled "Take down the cross" but the name has now been changed to "Raise the Resurrection" for some reason.) In the enlightened 21st century, surely we can get past sin and death and skip right to the part where Jesus wants to help you get your oil changed.

Standing in worship is more missional than dressing up

2010-04-01T20:09:00.000-07:00

If you are new to Church Growth Movement fellowships, you might find it strange to see us standing all through worship. We do this for a couple of reasons. First, it shows respect for God. When an important person comes into the room, it's right to stand as a sign of respect.

Second, it weeds out older people. Only the strong and young can manage to endure long periods of standing, so this assures us of a congregation in line with our vision. If you get a whole worship center filled with old geezers, that's not going to shout out RELEVANT to a newcomer. So we use standing worship and loud music to shape our congregation into more of what God is looking for.

Third, it makes up for our casual dress. The small churches are filled with people who somehow think that dressing up impresses God. We don't do that. But because they think we are less respectful of God by wearing our Hawaiian shirts and shorts, we can retort, "Well, yeah, but we stand and you SIT for worship!" and that generally puts them in their place.

Standing in worship also has the advantage of making newbies think worship is kind of like a rock concert. Our light shows and audio systems contribute to that effect, and it makes even the most hardened unchurched visitor stand up and take notice. Well, they kind of have to stand up, but it makes them take notice.

Dump The Message version for something more cutting edge

2010-03-31T07:52:00.000-07:00

Does The Message seem a bit old now? Reminding you of the old Authorized Version? That's because it IS! Cutting edge Christians, pastors and lay people alike, are digging into the latest, most culturally relevant translation yet -- the LOLcats version. Here is a sample from Luke 2: Sheep-doodz n Angels

8 Then there wuz sheep-doods in teh field, an they wuz watchin teh sheep in teh dark. Iz vry vry boring. srsly.9 An suddenly, visible angel! An glory! O noez!!10 But teh angel sed, "DONT AFRAID OF ENYTHING! it r ok, you can has gud news for all teh doodz!11 Todai in da city ov David, you can has sayvur! is Christ da Lord! w00t!12 Iz sign fer u, find da kitteh wrapd like brrito in a big fud dish."13 An suddenly, moar angelz! They sez, 14 "w00t to teh Ceiling Cat! An peace fer doodz he luffs! Kthxbai."

Why pay for a pastor when you can employ a hologram?

2010-03-10T20:51:00.000-08:00

Pipe in your favorite celeb preacher in 3-D, front and center in your sanctuary! No more boring local guy now. You get a real expert, someone who's been tried and tested in front of a multiplex church, with real, bonafide leadership expertise! Hologram pastors are THE latest thing for culturally relevent worship centers.

It's easy to play the church market

2010-02-21T20:39:00.000-08:00

So you want to sell your widget to the hundreds of thousands of young, upwardly mobile church members out there? It's a huge market and it's never been easier to exploit it.

Simply create a web site with edgy, brash colors and images and start posting about leadership. It's often good to include a list. Eight Signs of an Effective Leader, 7 Strategies for Leading with Courage, A Leader knows The Flock: Here's How, 10 Ways to Lead Gently but Confidently, Leaders Who Really Matter... anything like that.

Link to and post articles that will attract attention of wannabe megachurch stars, as if you really know the score and they can learn it all from you. You want to convey the idea that if they listen to you they will be successful, either in ministry or in finances or in numbers. Best is if you can make them think you can do all three.

To make your site look authoritative, you need to quote Christian authors and personalities, advertise the best-selling pastor books and leadership books. Quote from giants of the faith every once in a while, but throw in mostly your own common sense advice tips.

Use a lot of popular references to cult icons: musicians, TV personalities, artists, writers, and not always church ones either.

You want your pastor/future-customer to think that by reading your blog and, later, by buying your widgets, he is on the path to sure-fire, spiritual and material success. You want him to know that by following your tips and tricks, he will be above the sorry little pastors who don't know these tricks of the trade. You want him to feel superior without him catching on that you are buttering him up to become a future customer.

You want your site to have many short and sweet advice bits that sound good and contemporary and "relevant." You want many colorful graphics and you want a lot of testimonials that don't look like testimonials. You want success stories disguised as posts and comments to posts.

Include many video clips, reviews of Christian products, music reviews, books, conferences. Promote big Christian events often and make as much exciting noise as you can about them.

You don't have to actually be religious to make these sites. Pastors are hungry to become the next big spiritual voice on the horizon and they will salivate at anything that makes them think you have the means to make them big.

Coin many words and invent terms along the way. Jargon makes them feel in the know and they will not want to be left out.

If you can post an interview or two with a Christian icon or artist, do it. That increases your sense of authority in the eyes of these groupie/pastors.

Advertise discount tickets to events, link to the most relevant Christian and pop sites.

After a few months you can start introducing your widget as a must-have. Plug it often, provide comments from satisfied, enthusiastic "customers" and make it seem like a necessity for any leader who wants to make it big. You're on your way to record sales.

Photo:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/theabbott/ / CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

It only matters that you worship

2010-02-12T10:50:00.000-08:00

Eliab: Nate, good to see you. Have you seen our colorful, snazzy new tabernacle? Purple, blue and red. Beautiful set-up. You should come worship with us sometime.

Nathan-melech: Worship? What? Who?

Eliab: Well, we don’t get into all the details of who you worship and that kind of thing. The main thing is that you worship!

Nathan-melech: That’s cool, I guess. Worship. That’s just singing, right?

Eliab: Mostly, yeah. Lots of cool songs. We have trumpets and psalteries and timbrels, all the very best. You’d like it.

Nathan-melech: I don’t sing too well.

Eliab: That’s fine. You can just sit and listen.

Nathan-melech: So, you’re saying that worship is coming and listening to music?

Eliab: Well, you should think good thoughts at the same time.

Nathan-melech: No talk about sin and sacrifices and unclean and clean stuff?

Eliab: No, none of that. That’s the old way of doing things. We’re beyond that now. What’s important is the relationship.

Nathan-melech: What relationship?

Eliab: Between you and God.

Nathan-melech: I thought you didn’t have to worship God.

Eliab: Well, you do, kind of. But we emphasize the worship part, not the God part, except for the relationship.

Nathan-melech: I don’t know. I’m comfortable with Baal-peor. I don’t want to give up parties and feasts.

Eliab: That’s okay. We don’t ask about that stuff. We talk about donkey care and thatch-roof repair.

Nathan-melech: Really? Donkey-care and thatch-repair? That sounds interesting.

Eliab: We have all kinds of culturally-relevant stuff. Best mule-shodding practices, how to make your kids work harder, destination city shortcuts: lots of helpful, interesting topics.

Nathan-melech: Well, can I bring my images, too? You know. Ashtoreth, Baal.

Eliab: Well, we’d prefer that you turned your whole attention to worship when you’re here.

Nathan-melech: Well, that’s what I worship. Hey! I thought you were culturally relevant!

Eliab: Oh, we are! We are!

Nathan-melech: But I like my gods. I’ve worshiped Baal and Ashteroth for a long time now and I like all the buzz I get from the fertility parts, you know. Hey and I’m onto THE most up and coming practices
now. You’ve heard of Molech?

Eliab: Yeah, a little. What’s so cool about Molech-worship?

Nathan-melech: The sacrifices! It’s awesome! I thought you liked to be on the cutting edge. What’s really on the cutting edge is Molech-worship.

Eliab: I’m sure we can incorporate some of those practices in our worship services, too, sometime. We have our ears to the ground. Have you seen our tabernacle coffee lounge?

Nathan-melech: Not really, no. I’m not really into hot drinks. When will you put in an ale bar?

Eliab: Well, we’re working on that, but we have to get some bylaw changes and they are hard to maneuver with our older members frowning on all that, but we have a few aces up our sleeves. We’ll do
anything to get more people in to worship.

Nathan-melech: So, you just sing and play music.

Eliab: And have messages on important, useful topics.

Nathan-melech: Yeah. Well, I don’t know.

Eliab: The music is really good!

Nathan-melech: Uh huh. You need a little more enticement. What you need is to work in a little more sin.

Eliab: We’re working on it. We’re working on it. Won't be long now.

Photo credit:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/tekmagika/ / CC BY-NC-ND 2.0

Esteem, honor and perks, perks, perks

2010-02-12T10:23:00.000-08:00

So, you want to be a mega-church pastor? You want the crowds lapping up your every word. You want to mentor and write and teach others how to be just as big and bad as you, flying here on a rented jet, staying there in luxury resorts, driving sleek and shiny cars and living in an executive mansion, while everyone looks at you as a spiritual icon. A whole world of stardom awaits. When you've finally reached the top, here's the esteem you'll find waiting for you. Enjoy!

Write your own scripture, with these 7 easy rules

2010-01-14T09:59:00.000-08:00

1. Prepare the way by experimenting with a variety of Bible translations

Before you start producing your own scripture, you need to practice some actualization with traditional scripture. And you need to prepare your congregants for the transition.

When preaching on Bible passages, it's best to vary translations. This serves a couple of purposes. First, no one will be able to pin you down if your message seems to contradict their translation. Sure, it looks like it might say that in the NIV, but here in the New Living, it says something quite different! Citing a variety of translations keeps potential critics off balance and allows you to get away with much more. Second, it is easier to mold scripture to your own purposes if you can use a broad selection of versions. If you don’t find that the New King James supports your point, you can always use the Amplified or the Message to drive it home.

2. Quote an equal number of cultural authorities along with the Bible. If you use three verses from the Old Testament, throw in three quotes from Albert Einstein, Rosa Parks or Bill Gates. This conditions your congregation to place less weight on ancient scripture and more weight on culturally relevant materials.

3. Ramp it up. After your congregation has become accustomed to other “scriptural” references besides the Bible, ramp it up. Use slightly more quotations from popular personalities and slightly less scripture.

4. Make sure to throw in lots of statistics. Statistics lend authority to what you say. They support your word and make you look reliable and knowledgeable. Use survey results, polls, marketing reports or whatever else seems authoritative. Sprinkle statistics liberally in each message, replacing verses of scripture with hard facts whenever possible.

5. Use the words and ideas of popular, current experts and church leaders. By quoting Rick Warren or Joel Osteen, you consistently highlight those voices that Jesus-followers should look to for information and understanding. They, in turn, will quote you or your fellow leaders from time to time. When leaders quote each other and offer respect and fidelity to each other, your congregants will look to both them and you for answers, and that’s right where you want them.

6. Elevate your own words. Once you have broken down the expectation of scripture-laden messages by introducing other authorities, you can begin to elevate your own messages or parts of messages as scripture. You do this by introducing your points and ideas with phrases like “God says that…” or “God wants us to know that…” or similar constructions. Experiment. Be daring. After all, we are no longer bound by convention. It's a new day. Be bold, and behold!

7. Try publishing a how-to book or a fill-in-the-blank workbook. Jesus-followers are first and foremost followers. They don’t just follow Jesus. We are the leaders; they are the followers. If you write a decent, Christian how-to book, they will be hanging on your every word, Twittering you, posting links to your blog, coming to hear you at conferences and buying the next dozen books you produce. They will FOLLOW you. They will scribble notes about what you say and – well – they will treat what you say just about the same way they used to treat scripture. When you've published a couple of books for the masses, then you can take the next step and start publishing books on leadership for those also wanting to get in the game.

Use scripture to accessorize your message

2010-01-05T19:56:00.000-08:00

New Paradigm leaders face a weekly challenge: how to preach an engaging message without letting old memes, like scripture-reading, detract from the relevant impression.
Churchy people expect dry, old passages from the Bible to inform the sermon. But the unchurched, who we must put above all else, are turned off by chapters, verses and anything that sounds like you are telling them what to do.
Still, the Bible does sound authoritative and can lend credibility to your message. So you do have to use it from time to time. The challenge, then, is to put the cart of relevance before the horse of scripture. It is not that difficult to do.
First, you must preach to the “felt” needs of your congregation, or rather, of your unchurched and unchurchy congregation. These needs can be as varied as child discipline tips, menu suggestions or budgeting help – the meaty issues of today’s upwardly-mobile couples.
Once you have identified a need, you can come up with engaging and humorous examples to illustrate your solutions and advice. Every once in a while, you can toss in a scripture to lend authority to your pronouncements on the “felt” need of the week.
Scripture is great as occasional seasoning. Sprinkle a little here and there for effect. Not too many passages, of course -- just one or two. The main thing is to be so radically different from the old churchy ways that your service won’t be recognized as “church.” That means you need to limit scripture.
Remember, scripture is window dressing, accessorizing. It’s a seasoning, not the main course. It helps accentuate the more important points that YOU want to bring out.

God's Seven Hair Care Tips

2010-01-01T14:42:00.001-08:00

Relevant leaders don't want to preach dry, boring messages straight from scripture. It's important that they identify "felt" needs and appeal to those. Later, after the unchurched seekers become regular attenders, you can hit them with the gospel, or not.

The important things is to focus on felt needs. And what is felt more than hair? Face it. You're always touching your hair. You always leave the house wondering if your hair looks okay. Hair care is one of the TOP felt needs.

So, how does God want us to care for our hair?

1. First, God wants us to HAVE hair, even if it's just a little. He's got the number of our hairs counted. That means, he expects us to have hair, enough to count anyway.

2. The fact that he cares about something as seemingly insignificant as hair means that little things are important to him. Yes, even hair care and hair style.

3. Is it okay for men to have long hair? Yes. Some of the greatest Bible heroes like Absalom and Solomon had long hair. God's okay with that.

4. How should we care for our hair? Well, we know that kings had their hair anointed with oil. That means that hair care products are biblical. Use some gel every once in a while. Anoint your hair and make it look good. You are reflecting God if you claim his name. Are you a Christ-follower? Then, look your best.

5. Don't spend too long in the salon. Both Paul and Peter warn women against taking too much trouble with their hair and focusing on outward beauty. Still, you don't want to look like a slob for God.

6. You can serve God with your hair. A woman in Luke used her hair as a drying cloth to wipe Jesus' feet. She served God with her hair. Make your hair a focal point (I wish my hair were ten-feet-high!) and you might just open up an opportunity to discuss spiritual things.

7. Gray hair is not a problem. Scriptures talk about gray hair as a good thing, a revered thing. So, if you're going gray, that's OK.

Seeker-hostile churches thrive on rejection, alienation

2009-12-27T02:05:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the seeker-hostile church movement. Instead of greeters, we have bouncers at our doors. Instead of coffee bars, we serve Geritol. We don’t have visitors fill out welcome cards; we have our regulars fill out UN-welcome cards and then we send hate mail during the week, listing their sins.

At seeker-hostile churches, we seek to turn people away from helpful advice. We love it when people are miserable. Instead of dimming the lights and playing soft music as the pastor wraps up his sermon, we flood the worship center with strobe lights and blare loud music. We save the soft stuff for the beginning to create a morgue-like atmosphere when visitors first take their seats.

At seeker-hostile churches we replace both pews and padded seats with narrow, school cafeteria benches. On our overheads we flip through the songs at a clip so fast that no one can finish the first line before another power point page is up on the screen. We cycle through four times and then go backwards, all at a rapid pace.

Our youth groups force kids to eat pepperoni pizza every week, no exception, and the only activity is foosball. Every week. More pizza and foosball.

Announcements at seeker-hostile services last at least a half hour and we repeat the word “fellowship” at least a dozen times with each announcement.

We make sure that visitors are forced to shake hands with total strangers at least three times each service; then we pass out hand sanitizer.

When it’s time to go, our exit greeters shout out “good riddance” when each individual walks out the door, just to make sure visitors aren't tempted to return.

A leader can do anything with power words

2009-12-20T18:31:00.000-08:00

How do you show that God is behind your ministry? How do you reveal to others that your vision is the one to watch, your mission is god-breathed and vital? If you are gifted as a leader, there is a way to layer your visionary purposes over those of others.

Quality team leaders must cultivate an air of confidence and authority so they can shepherd sheep in a purposeful, intentional direction. Aimless wandering is a thing of the past!

Vocabulary is the most important tool in the spiritual team-leader's tool kit to create this sense of authority.

Certain key words create an automatic show of respect and produce awe. Memorize these and use them often:

Team, leadership, vision, intentional, harvest, passion, powerful, creative

With deft use of these key words, anything is within your grasp. Get to know them. Use them in front of a mirror. Emphasize first one and then another of them. Before long, they will become second nature and you will have them ready to go at a moment's notice, giving you panache, authority, and a personal radioactive sense that screams LEADERSHIP.

You can string them together in various forms and combinations to produce instant amazement. The WOW factor will be yours each time you throw these out in a new way. Experiment with different combinations until they roll right off your tongue.

Powerful team leadership is all about clarity of vision and intentional creativity

Visionaries with powerful passion can produce a mighty harvest for the intentional leadership team

Harvest the passion, and creative team power will help your group of high-powered visionaries to lead intentionally

Leaders with clarity of intent and powerful vision will create a harvest of passionate creativity

Team your passion with intentional harvest-power and watch as your creative team engenders a powerful vision of leadership

Lead with creativity and intentional teamwork if you want a harvest of passionate and visionary power

With these power words under your control, you will soon become a visionary team leader ready for harvest!

First Cheeze Whiz Church of (your town here)

2009-12-15T20:02:00.000-08:00

If your church has been holding its own for many years, but not really growing, you have to ask yourself if God is pleased with how you are doing things. It’s likely you are fearful of change. Could you be preventing the Holy Spirit from making your fellowship bloom? We in the church growth industry say YES! Most likely, your membership is larded with crusty, stodgy, stubborn fogeys afraid to take the next step.

Fortunately, you don’t have to stay where you are, studying old Bibles, visiting the sick, suspicious of visitors, stuck in a scripture-morassed, languishing congregation.

A NEW CHOICE!
Now, you have a choice. You can stay where you are -- just a dried up root in the desert of the American religious scene -- or you can learn how to be like sprawling, successful box-store churches radiating life, growth and top-ten Christian music. You, too, can know the joys of looking down at smaller churches and antique “Christians.”

The first thing your body needs to do is get rid of those confining principles that hold you back. Though at first it might go against the grain, you must embrace an ends-justifies-the-means approach to your faith: Everything is permissible as long as it isn’t too immoral. Some of your older members accustomed to obsolete values like integrity and honesty may frown at that bold statement, but when you show them the line graph demonstrating explosive growth among churches that switch over to a utilitarian values system, their eyes will be enlightened – or else they will get out of your way.

New, dynamic churches use business-model evangelism: AIG and Merrill Lynch worked out so well that they’ve become gleaming models for churches on the grow. Goldman Sachs and General Motors serve as stellar examples to churches. By taking stock of the keen methods such high-powered businesses use to create growth, churches put the same kingdom-building principles found on Wall Street to work for God. So far, it has been a rousing success.

EXPLOSIVE GROWTH

Both in numbers and in profit margin, these innovative congregations are exploding, growing, and planting sister campuses everywhere. Turn-a-buck church franchises are nothing to sneeze at, spinning off thousands of money-making cottage industries: Church how-to books, church management software, lay leader training programs, fill-in-the-blank workbook blockbusters, women’s Bible study materials and the big profit-producer -- pastor conferences. We have found that there’s a silver lining for long-suffering servants in this big, new industry.

Never before has it been easier to use market strategies to manipulate congregants into becoming satisfied audience members. And satisfied, they are. Spectators are enjoying more than they ever realized all the pleasures church could give. Goal-setting programs; household organization tips; family time management advice; entertainment and attractions; Bible-lite, success-tip sermons (with a bare minumum of all that annoying, turn-off Jesus stuff); computerized “personalized” mailings that members can’t tell from the real thing; Wal-Mart style greeters; fill-in-the-blank spiritual growth classes – and all of this will make church members feel like they’re family.

Since cutting edge fellowships are looking for fresh ways to attract self-centered unbelievers, they must occasionally appeal to the flesh. Coffee bars in the foyers, big screens in the sanctuary, theme park like Sunday schools, small-group buffets. While they make sure that everything is to the taste of visitors -- not too warm, not too cold -- they also like to say, “It’s not about you.”

IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU... IS IT?

But really. It IS about you. It’s about hundreds and thousands of YOU. Classes, services and amenities galore scream: It’s about YOU! But, should you complain that the water is a little tepid, then, suddenly, you will find that it’s NOT about you.

Vibrant, growing churches believe that they should do everything they can to bring in the unchurched, or, if that doesn’t work, the other-churched. They will bend over backwards to please, because in making it about you, they are making it about God, or at least about something larger than you, whoever or whatever that might be.

You won’t hear a lot of church jargon at these successful churches. If they quote the Bible, it will be in a translation that doesn’t sound like the Bible. And they won’t hang a lot of confusing and threatening symbols around, like crosses and banners, because that’s offensive to some, and they don’t want to offend anyone except stuffy old church people who can’t change with the times. (They will take their money and their help in the nursery, but they don’t want to attract any more of their type if they can help it. It’s bad for image, and it distracts from the “brand.”)

TOOLS GALORE
In the quest for larger numbers, many useful, new tools are available. Churches seeking to grow should take advantage of such resources. Books on growth and management, church growth software, creative conference speakers: all are available to help you be all you can be for God. We in the church growth industry are your partners. We do the work of the Holy Spirit so you don’t have to.

A small investment in relatively inexpensive church management software allows church leaders to keep both docile and pesky members under their thumb very effectively. You can categorize, manipulate, manage and control members with a simple mouse click. With most software you can even drag and drop members with the touch of a button. One company, PowerMember™ church ministry software, says that they “utilize cutting edge drag and drop technology so that you can manage your church ministry volunteers with unparalleled ease.” Imagine that! (Words in blue are from actual church software web sites.)

Everything is now automated (“personalized” letters, emails, phone calls). It can’t be any easier to organize your church to specifications. Coming soon, you will be able to implement automated Bible studies, automated hospital visits, automated potlucks.

Even fast-growing churches face challenges, however. Studies show that, among superior, growth-oriented congregations, leaders are aging, even as these churches are seeking younger members. This disparity in age presents a problem, but new challenges call for innovative measures.

VIRTUAL PREACHING

A congregation can save itself thousands of dollars a year simply by the use of virtual pastors. Good, solid preaching is available now for your body. Why pay a dull, pudgy or balding speaker when you can project the very best preaching in the nation onto your home church screens? For a small monthly fee, Christian celebrity pastors can speak to your members each week.

Your expensive, aging pastor is not tailoring sermons to your church body as it is. If your pastor is on the cutting edge, he is already using sermon series ideas produced by other pastors in other parts of the country, so why not give your members a younger, brighter, more engaging speaker on Sunday mornings? You’ve streamlined your worship team to give it a fresh, young look. Now it’s time to rejuvenate the pastoral team.

SOFTWARE HERE TO HELP
PowerMember™ says churches can “custom build ministry structure, add staff on the fly and match them according to the most sophisticated matching criteria available that includes their Spiritual Gifts, Heart (passion), Abilities, Personality and Experience. You can also match congregants with ministry positions according to Meyers/Briggs criteria.”

It’s like moving pawns on a chessboard – SO EASY!
And for pastoral care, nothing quite compares with the auto-church method.

Never worry again about failing people in their time of need or them leaving the church in anger because no one called. Empower your Care Partners to serve as an early warning system. Be confident that no one can slip away or fall through the cracks due to a lack of adequate pastoral care. Automatically mobilize letters, calls, visitation teams, crisis teams, hospital visit teams, food delivery teams, and all your other care ministries in time to make a difference.

Gee, thanks. I’m so glad the auto-alarm went off in time. For a moment, I was worried that the church leaders didn’t care.

Thankfully, pastors never even have to know the member or soil their hands. Everything is done automatically.

To show they are very, very compassionate leaders, pastors can use this great software package to do those chores of drudgery:
“Sign automated mail-merged letters that communicate you care to your congregants. (Yeah. That'll do it.) Be made aware and always become a part of their times of need through automated letters placed on your desk each week.”

If your mechanized church software doesn’t quite do the job at times, no problem. Every contingency is accounted for:

“With our church ministry software, you can easily identify adherents who meet the profile of being likely to leave so you can effectively manage backdoor issues.”
Oops! Someone dropped the ball here. Adherents aren’t adhering very well, I guess. As long as you keep backdoor issues at the back door, and prevent an embarrassing commotion at the front door, all is well.

Know the issues that drive satisfaction and dissatisfaction in your church. Know who are your raving fans and those who are dissatisfied and for what reasons. Know who is considering leaving, and for what reasons. Get the information you need at the time you need it to manage your congregation's morale.
Why not plant listening devices in members’ homes? A little extortion can produce “raving fans” in no time.

Some software even keeps track of who your members’ friends are in church, so that if you need to influence them at some point you know who to call on to do the job.

WHAT'S NEXT?
So what is next for innovative churches? Once they have weeded out the deadwood, marginalized older members, standardized the worship experience, implemented mission and vision plans, defined and sharpened their “brand,” and tracked members’ behavior through software, what then? How can they keep growing when it seems they have reached the pinnacle of contemporary perfection?

It’s time we pushed the envelope a little further and hooked new, unchurched people with methods proven successful through the latest research. One method, only now coming into consideration in the most up-and-coming churches, has proven a winner in every broad study and market-research survey.

A practice popular in the apostle Paul’s time, and now demonstrated successful through computer models, is the re-establishment of a church-growth bonanza-producer, guaranteed to grab attention and multiply members: Temple prostitution. Both time-tested and cutting edge, this growth strategy is more than a gimmick. Studies show that a church can expand its outreach exponentially through this practice.

Face it. Sex is big in our culture. The porn business is a multi-billion dollar industry, and it’s time the church cut into that obscene profit. Instead of clucking at sex from the sidelines, churches bold enough to step out can actually use the power of sexual appetite to fulfill the Great Commission. Some members, stuck in the 20th century, will treat this innovative strategy in the same way they treated the introduction of guitars in the sanctuary. But the fields are ripe for harvest.

If you can introduce donuts and coffee, surely you can use the most powerful force in modern culture to boost attendance figures.
So you have a choice. Stay as you are and hope to hang on until all your members die off, or join the most exciting, most active sector of Christendom today, growing and exploring new ways to grow every week.

Cheeze Whiz Church

2009-11-19T10:49:00.000-08:00

For months I'd been denying that my church was trying to become a megachurch. Then, when I began to understand that, yes, I guess it was into the "church growth movement," I figured that wasn't such a bad thing.

So I began to study the church growth movement. What a blast! It's like a whole circus rolled into town and began setting up in the church parking lot. Then, after few objections from anyone important, the circus just rolled right into the sanctuary, renamed the sanctuary a "ministry center" and started putting on performances for packed crowds.

When I came to articles on church "branding," I knew that it all sounded familiar. What do you call something that is consistent, is colorful, sounds exciting, pretends to be something it's not (how much cheeze is in Cheez Whiz?), tastes pretty bland, contains very little nutrition and sounds a lot like Jesus but isn't? Hmmm. Cheeze Whiz? Gotta be Cheeze Whiz. Thus the name of Cheeze Whiz Church. Yeah, I know Cheese is spelled with an "s" and that Cheez Whiz doesn't have an "e."

This blog chronicles the whacky, colorful, bizarro world of the Growth Movement. I'm calling it the Growth Movement instead of the Church Growth Movement because the more it grows the less church is in it. They actually want it that way. The word "church" is yucky, icky, bleaach, pooh, yick. The less like church they can get, the better.

This is not an angry, diatribe against the Growth Movement. I even actually like some parts of it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with creative innovation. Instead, it's a spectator view, popcorn in hand, supersized pop, Milk Duds at the ready. While my own church transitions into a Growth, and I discover more and more notable features of Growth bodies, I'll post findings here.